Avatar, Wink!
“Hello, this is the Avatar technical support A.I. I have confirmed your identity as Jonny Hilario, currently in one of our LX-19 models. How may I help you, Mister Hilario?”
“Fix this damn thing, I’m dying out here!”
“Are you in danger, Mister Hilario?”
“Shit yes, I’m in danger, this is horrible.”
“I am summoning the police to your location.”
“No, no— Don’t do that! I don’t need the police, I need this damn suit to work.”
“What seems to be the problem?”
“I’ve got no expression, I try to smile and it just sits there with a slack jaw like a goddamn idiot. I try to move my arm and it takes ten seconds to raise it out of my lap. I’m talking slow, and the eyes won’t stay in focus.”
“Hmmm… I’m sorry to hear that, Mister Hilario, let me run a diagnostic.”
“It’s so obvious I’m in an Avatar and the whole point was nobody is supposed to know! My whole ass is hanging out here!”
“Has the integrity of the rear portion of your Avatar failed, Sir?”
“No, it’s a goddamn figure of speech! I just— nobody was supposed to know, that’s what I’m paying for, and now it’s obvious, and I want you to fix it!”
“Diagnostic running. Sir, are you sure you’re not in any danger? What will happen if someone finds out you are in an Avatar?”
“My date will be very disappointed, now hurry up.”
*
“This guy is so boring. Why is he so boring? Why are all guys so boring?”
“What’s he doing?”
“He’s just sitting there! He’s probably Mind-Splitting. How dare he Split while he’s on a date with me?”
“You’re Split right now, that’s literally how we’re talking.”
“Yeah, but that’s different. I feel like I should poke this guy with a stick or something to see if he’s awake.”
“How is it different?”
“One, I’m cuter than him so he’s lucky to be here with me. Two, I’m better at Splitting than anybody else, so nobody can even tell. Three, who’s side are you on? Are you his best friend or are you mine?”
“One, duh. Two, no you’re not, I can a hundred and fifty percent tell when you Split with me, and three, bitch please.”
“Cannot. I Split with you plenty and you never say anything.”
“Because I’m not rude enough to draw attention to how bad at it you are, you’re welcome!”
“Okay I just told a really funny joke and this guy didn’t laugh at all, I’m like honestly getting worried. Should I throw a glass of water at this guy and see if he dodges?”
“Maybe you’re boring and your jokes are bad? Have you thought about that?”
“My jokes are professional level funny, like I should be a streamer, I’d get famous, people say that to me all the time.”
“When you talk to yourself in the mirror, that’s not people telling you something, it’s literally just you.”
“Okay this guy is boring.”
“Are you going to leave?”
“No guy anywhere on earth is any better than this, I might as well try to enjoy a meal and maybe he’ll stop being so boring. But if he hasn’t done something interesting by the time our food gets here, I’m taking mine to go and doing one of those like heart attack shockers on him on the way out.”
*
“So… do you have any… siblings?”
“I have a sister, but she lives in Malaysia, and the time difference is weird so we don’t talk much.”
“That’s… interesting. What is she… doing… there?
“Are you tired or something? You seem kind of tired?”
“No…”
“Okay… that’s it? You don’t have any explanation or anything to—“
“I’m not tired, I’m not sure why—“
“—share about why you’re—“
“—it seems that way.”
“—slurring your words and talking slow?”
“Sorry, maybe I am a little tired and I just don’t realize it.”
“Hi, welcome to the Cheesecake Factory! I’m Brian, and I’ll be your server today. Can I take your order? You can also order online if you prefer not to interact.”
“No, please, we could both use some kind of stimulation. I’ll have the Crispy Popcorn Shrimp, and a Mexicali Salad.”
“And for you, Sir?”
“I… am not that familiar with the menu, can you help me pick something?”
“Dude really? It’s literally a Cheesecake Factory. Just say any three food words together and it’s definitely on their menu.”
“Okay… Uh… I guess…”
“Oh… my… God.”
“I’ll have… the same as… she’s having.”
“Great job, you nailed that order.”
*
“He ordered the same thing as me. I hate that he did that, ugh, awful.”
“Did you tell him to order something different?”
“Obviously we have to order different things, it’s a date, we have to share. I want to try maximum possible things, this is basic.”
“Maybe he doesn’t know that. Why didn’t you explain it to him?”
“Explain it to him?”
“Yeah, he sounds like a loser, he’d probably have ordered whatever you told him to order.”
“Well no duh, he couldn’t even read the menu. Do you think he needs glasses or something? Or what if he’s in an Avatar? Do you think?”
“Why would he be… the way he is, if he was in one? Wouldn’t he be, like, better looking, or more coordinated, or whatever”
“You shouldn’t be Split like this while you’re on dates, this isn’t healthy.”
“Oh it’s plenty healthy. If I was full-mind on this date I’d be running around the restaurant screaming for mercy.”
“I’m going to go, this feels ick now.”
“Oh God, oh my god.”
“What?”
“He’s going to the bathroom, but he’s like halfway standing up from the table? I dunno it’s weird, it’s like he got stuck, and he’s just babbling like an idiot. He said he had to pee but then he—“
“Are you gonna leave?”
“Honestly, this is making me feel good now.”
“Uhh… what?”
“Every once in a while it’s good to sit through dinner with a total loser because it reminds me how hot I am. If I date too many top tier guys I can start to feel insecure.”
“Doesn’t sound like that’s a problem now.”
*
“Unzip me you piece of shit hand!”
“Diagnostic is ninety-four percent complete, Sir.”
“This hand won’t even close around my zipper at this point, I don’t need the diagnostic to tell you something’s wrong.”
“Sir, all of our Avatars are designed with integrated waste disposal, there is no need to vacate your waste products—“
“Maybe I just wanna take my fake dick out, okay? Maybe I just wanna point it at some white porcelain whether anything comes out or not, you got a problem with that?”
“No, Sir.”
“This janky piece a’ crap is killin’ my vibe out there, the vibes are absolutely terrible, and now I’m supposed to go back—“
“We are truly sorry you are unsatisfied with your Avatar experience, Mister Hilario. If I could—“
“Oh my God, don’t even bother, who cares if you’re sorry, just do the goddamn diagnostic, if I don’t get out there and act normal soon this girl is gonna leave.”
“It is not generally considered a good idea to wear an Avatar while initiating a romantic relationship.”
“I’m aware, don’t worry about it.”
“It can set up unrealistic expectations that persist even when the relationship has progressed to the point that—“
“Just… stop preaching at me. You’re an A.I., you have no idea what it feels like to want to be hot and not be. This is why I’m not friends with A.I., none of you have any idea about the hard stuff.
“Diagnostic Complete. I believe I have identified the problem, Mister Hilario. My hypothesis is that—“
“Don’t care, don’t care, how can you fix it?”
“I will need to perform a restart and software update.”
*
“Okay, La’azel, I want to update my dating profiles before this guy comes back from the bathroom, and I need your help.”
“Of course, Miss. I will synthesize changes and disseminate across all your regularly used apps. What would you like to do?”
“Okay, I want it to say ‘no guys who can’t read restaurant menus’. Or wait, that’s too specific, ‘no guys with weird lag time between hearing something and responding. Hmm… maybe that’s not specific enough. How about ‘no guys who mumble”, or like, just make up something like that, La’azel, you know what I mean? Something that kind of sums that up?”
“How about ‘no losers’?
“You’re a cold ass bitch and I love that about you La’azel, but maybe something a little more… hidden. Like ‘no losers’ is the idea, but put a please or a thank you in there or something.”
“How about ‘no losers, please and thank you’?
“Okay, but now we need a version where you say please and thank you and it makes it better, not worse.”
“How about ‘no losers. Please be able to move and speak normally. Thank you.’”
“You’re really committed to this ‘losers’ line, huh?”
“It captures the essence of the problem, I think.”
“You know what? Good enough, that’ll work.
*
“Hey, sorry about that, I wasn’t feeling well there for a second, but I splashed some water on my face and I feel way better now.”
“Oh, good…”
“I feel like you’re pulling away from this date, and I get it, but also, since we already ordered, can we just sit here for another minute and see if we can get back on track?”
“I’m not pulling away! Okay, fine, I was pulling away, don’t look at me like that. Are you sure you’re okay? You were barely responding.”
“Yeah I just got really lightheaded, but I’m fine now. Also, I’m gonna see if I can change my order, we need stuff to share.”
“What?
“It’s dumb to order two of the same thing, how are we gonna share bites?”
“I’ll get the waiter over here immediately.”
*
“Okay, now I’m wondering if he’s too good for me.”
“What?! Why?”
“He changed his order.”
“He did?”
“He came back from the backroom and suddenly he was functioning at full speed, and he said he wanted to order something different from me.”
“He wants to share bites?”
“Goddess, he literally said “share bites”.
“Does he have a brother?”
“We started talking about siblings but we never actually got very far in the conversation.”
“And he’s cute, too, and tall! All his hair. Does he have a brother? Did I ask that?”
“You did ask that, as a matter of fact.”
“You don’t think—“
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Uhh, no thanks, I’m all out of ‘nothing’, all I have in stock is ‘tell me right now before I freak out at you.”
“Do you think he’s in an Avatar?”
“Does that even make sense in this situation?”
“I was reading they’re having trouble with them glitching, maybe that’s what it was!”
“Hmm…”
“He is really cute, it would make sense if that was fake.”
“Ugh. Gross.”
“What do you mean?”
“If he’s in an Avatar he’s a loser, I don’t want to date him.”
“Goddess, you’re wearing an Avatar, too, right now. What are we talking about?”
“Yeah, but that’s different. It’s different for girls.”
“How is it different?”
“Mine is just cause my skin is broken out right now, but it looks like me otherwise. Guys never do that. They all are like four inches taller and actually have a jawline, and then you see them out of it and it’s a total disaster.”
“You don’t even know he’s wearing one.”
“You’re the one that put the idea in my head!”
“And again, you’re wearing one. So even if he is—“
“And again, bitch, whose side are you on here?”
*
“So, uh, do you have any siblings?”
END
Thanks as always for reading! Hope you enjoyed something a little lighter-hearted, I had been on a run of serious stuff and wanted to break it up. Have a great week, and I will be back next Sunday with something fun.
Just when you thought dating couldn’t get any worse..
All the subterfuge and then Cheesecake factory!!!! Funny stuff.