Usually, when I write a short story, I like to know where it’s going to go and what the ending is going to be before I sit down to start. Thinking of an ending is really what it means to “have an idea for a story”, like writing a punchline for a joke. You can sort of have a premise, but until that first punchline comes, it ain’t a joke.
Then other times, I feel like I know where it’s going, but when I actually start writing it, the story just seems to “want” to go somewhere else and be in a whole different place/tone/voice.
This story is the second kind!
Yelling On The Internet
Transcript of “Yelling On The Internet” - Recorded 8/18/41
Segment - “Artificial Wombs: Scourge or Savior?”
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
HAVANA GOODBODY: Good evening. I’m your host, Havana Goodbody, and welcome to this edition of Yelling On The Internet. Today, my guests are Witchista Q. Sadsack, a professor of Bummer Studies at Portland College of Art and Vibes, and Evangelista J. Conniption, a mommy-blogger who rocketed to fame after posting viral videos of herself threatening to deport her maid if the Conniption children were late for school. Professor Sadsack, Mrs. Conniption, welcome to the program.
PROFESSOR SADSACK: Thanks, Havana. This entire studio is giving fascist propaganda vibes right now, but thanks for having me on.
MRS. CONNIPTION: Typical libtard whining, Havana, we’re off to exactly the start I expected. I’m going to hold myself to a higher standard of self-control, it’s great to be here.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Our topic tonight is artificial wombs. SynthoGest Corporation just received FDA approval for its “NurturePod”, a first-of-its-kind home solution that, if reports are to be believed, can take a family from conception to birth. It harvests an egg or contracts with an egg donor on the couple’s behalf, it accepts a sperm deposit, it fertilizes the egg, incubates it for nine months, and then performs the delivery itself, all in the home, with a lower risk profile than a natural birth in a major hospital. A SynthoGest spokesperson recently called it “the greatest breakthrough in birthing technology since the epidural”. Professor Sadsack, your reaction?
PROFESSOR SADSACK: This is a blatant attempt to marginalize women, Havana. It’s a transparent move to put more control of childbirth into the hands of phallic capitalism. No doubt the fascists in congress are already writing the bill to cut maternity leave as soon as the robots seize control of the miracle of life. No, bringing children into this world is a miracle that women literally perform inside of their bodies, and there’s no way the patriarchy can tolerate that, so I expect these fake uteruses will be endorsed by a bipartisan oppressor consensus and become a huge success.
HAVANA GOODBODY: From your perspective, though, isn’t this device offering women a choice? Isn’t it enabling women to become mothers even if they can’t or don’t want to go through a pregnancy?
PROFESSOR SADSACK: It’s offering women a choice the same way a baited hook is offering a fish a choice, Havana. I can see you’ve been well-trained by your C-suite Satans in how to think about the golden handcuffs they’ve got you in.
HAVANA GOODBODY: That doesn’t really answer my question, but instead of following up, let’s move on. Mrs. Conniption, I want to turn to you now, what’s your reaction to the perspective offered by Professor Sadsack?
MRS. CONNIPTION: I couldn’t disagree more, Havana. That answer really just shows the hateful ignorance of the Left these days. They blame the capitalist Boogeyman for everything, but capitalism has provided everything good in our lives. Without capitalism, she wouldn’t even be able to come on your show and spew that trash she just said.
HAVANA GOODBODY: So then, you support the NurturePod? You must think it’s a good thing?
MRS. CONNIPTION: Absolutely not, Havana. It’s an abomination and an affront to God’s plan.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Wait, you don’t? But you just said—
MRS. CONNIPTION: Jesus wants women to be wives and mothers, Havana. That’s right there in the Bible. That’s our job. These devil-machines are taking that job away from proud, nurturing Christian women and handing it to anybody who can press a button and keep the power on. As a strong Christian, of course I can’t support that.
HAVANA GOODBODY: But won’t the NurturePod allow more children to be born and more women to be mothers?
MRS. CONNIPTION: Pregnancy is God’s test to make sure that women are strong enough for the job, and if you’re not strong enough to be pregnant, then you’re going to be a terrible mother and it’s not what Jesus wants for you.
HAVANA GOODBODY: So it sounds like you two actually agree. I wonder—
(cross-talk)
HAVANA GOODBODY: One at a time, please. Professor Sadsack, you first.
PROFESSOR SADSACK: Absolutely not, Havana, we don’t agree. I would never agree with a mommy-blogging Jesus freak about anything, certainly not about this.
MRS. CONNIPTION: And I would never agree with a man-hating evangelist for cultural Marxism.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Okay, but you literally just agreed that you’d never agree about anything, surely you can at least agree on that.
PROFESSOR SADSACK: No, Havana.
MRS. CONNIPTION: No to both of you, you’re both wrong.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Let’s return to the issue at hand and discuss it in the context of the fertility rate. The United States, like most of the developed world, is facing a fertility crisis. We are currently below the replacement rate of fertility for our population, and we have trillions in unfunded entitlement liabilities. Don’t we need all the babies we can get?
PROFESSOR SADSACK: The earth is on fire around us, Havana, every person brought into this world is a crime against nature. The fact that this so-called “NurturePod” might raise the birth rate is one of the best arguments for banning it.
HAVANA GOODBODY: A crime against… aren’t you a mother?
PROFESSOR SADSACK: I am a mother, and I want my children to grow up in a world that’s not choked with the trash and CO2 of a bunch of other people clogging everything up.
MRS. CONNIPTION: Typical liberal hypocrisy!
PROFESSOR SADSACK: Besides, if we really need more people we can just let in more immigrants, it’s not like there’s any shortage of people in the world.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Well, the birth rate worldwide is—
MRS. CONNIPTION: Illegals! Just let in more illegals, she says!
PROFESSOR SADSACK: If we let them in they wouldn’t be illegal, you idiot! Besides, isn’t having an undocumented maid the whole reason you’re famous in the first place?
HAVANA GOODBODY: Ladies, please.
MRS. CONNIPTION: All you liberals and you lame stream media types, you just forget that God is in charge, and nothing happens without His say-so. If the birth rate is falling, which I doubt but even if it is, it’s because God wants it to fall. If He wants it to go back up, then it’ll go back up!
HAVANA GOODBODY: But doesn’t that mean that if the NurturePod becomes legal, that was also God’s plan and it’s fine to use it?
MRS. CONNIPTION: Those are the devil’s words in your mouth, Havana.
PROFESSOR SADSACK: I don’t know why you think this moron is going to actually answer a question, Havana, you’re wasting your time.
MRS. CONNIPTION: I was speaking! I was speaking!
(Cross-talk)
HAVANA GOODBODY: Jerry, cut their mics!
(Cross-talk)
(Silence)
HAVANA GOODBODY: Ladies, I’m going to turn your mics back on, but you need to take turns and you need to stop cursing, okay?
(Silence)
HAVANA GOODBODY: I’ll say again, it actually looks like there’s some common ground here, you both really seem to hate this machine. Let’s dig deeper. What are your fears about what will happen if the NurturePod comes to market? Professor Sadsack, you’ve touched on yours. Mrs. Conniption, will you elaborate?
MRS. CONNIPTION: What’s to stop a dog from pressing the button, Havana? You want some little half-human, half-dog babies running around?
PROFESSOR SADSACK: You have got to be kidding me.
MRS. CONNIPTION: How long would the machine even be pregnant for with that kind of abomination? That’s what we’re headed for, Havana! In Japan the men are marrying video game consoles. A pinball machine cannot be a mother, that’s evil.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Uh…
PROFESSOR SADSACK: Ladies and gentlemen, a true intellectual of the American Right. The Socrates of our time.
MRS. CONNIPTION: No comeback, huh? Ya burnt!
PROFESSOR SADSACK: Instead of a machine that makes babies, we need a machine that makes better mothers for the children being raised by proudly ignorant, hate-filled, self-hating oppressors like you.
MRS. CONNIPTION: We need a machine that carjacks snobby atheists like you and your wife until you realize an open border isn’t a good idea. Oh wait, we already have one, it’s called illegals. Just wait, you’ll have your turn.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Let’s bring this train wreck to a close. It looks like the NurturePod is going to win FDA approval and make it to market. You both have daughters. I think I know the answer, but would you advise them to consider a NurturePod? Professor?
PROFESSOR SADSACK: Not under any circumstances, it’s a tool of fascism and dystopian bureaucratic phallic colonialist capitalism.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Mrs. Conniption?
MRS. CONNIPTION: The fake Professor is wrong as usual. I wouldn’t let my daughter use one because she’s going to be fertile and godly, just like me.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Again, you two literally agree on everything but reasoning.
PROFESSOR SADSACK: We certainly do not, Havana. She’s an imbecile.
MRS. CONNIPTION: Not on your life, Havana. I couldn’t disagree more. Romans Chapter six, verse twenty-three.
HAVANA GOODBODY: Thank you to both of my guests. I’m Havana Goodbody, and this is Yelling On The Internet. We’ll be right back with our next segment, a discussion of race relations with the son of a Negro League pitcher who thinks racial slurs are fine as long as they’re directed at Asians and a retired roofer who tattooed his entire face because he thinks black people have it easier than white people. Don’t go anywhere.
END TRANSCRIPT
END
Thanks as always for reading! If you enjoyed this story, please feel free to help me out by liking, commenting and sharing with others. Have a great week, and I’ll be back next Sunday with something fun for the holidays. Hope everyone’s year is wrapping up strong!
made me laugh!
I am speechless! Where did you come up with those names? Havana Goodbody? Professor Sadsack? Those almost beat Young Boozer, current state treasurer of Alabama. For real!