I will have a year-end wrap-up post next week, so until then I will just say—this story is very Christmas/Christian-centric, but I hope that whether you celebrate Christmas or something else or nothing at all, you have a wonderful, safe, and blessed week next week, and that your year finishes strong. Thank you so much for reading and sharing my stuff. It’s the best present anyone can give me!
The Legend of Ol’ Saint Nick
The Santa Claus legend began
Seventeen centuries ago
After the age of the caveman
But long before the time we know
Nicholas was a rich man’s son
Who used all of his father’s wealth
To buy small gifts for everyone
And nurse the sick back into health
One day he died and all were sad
For his ascension they did pray
But he’d not died the cheeky lad
Just faked and gone on holiday
While he was getting off a ship
The Lord appeared before the boy
And said “each year you’ll make a trip
To bring each good child a new toy”
“For this I’ll let you never die,
I’ll make of you what’s known as ‘elf’
Give presents in endless supply!”
“That’s weird,” thought Nicholas to himself
“I always hoped God would appear
And speak to me a mighty word
But now that Jehovah is here
I can’t quite believe what I’ve heard”
God could hear what he said inside
Omniscience being quite the perk
“Question me not!” He thus replied
“Nor the mysterious ways I work!”
Questions occurred then to the Saint
Like “where” and “when” and “do you jest?”
But cutting off all his complaint
The Lord then left him with his quest
And withdrew to wherever God
Goes when He wants some quiet time
And left Saint Nick feeling quite odd
His day having turned on a dime
He knew he’d have to obey God no matter what it took
But he could not find the word ‘elf’ writ in his holy book!
*
Nicholas did not return home
He let his people think him dead
And went instead to nearby Rome
Where a young man could get ahead
He knew the cost would be quite high
To do as God had commanded
And though he could not explain why
He wanted to start wearing red
Thus Nicholas the rich man’s son
Used all the tricks his father taught
And with God’s blessing always won
More profit than perhaps he ought
Soon he was rich and then began
To siphon off cash and to build
A factory of artisans
That called themselves the Elfin Guild
And with his money they did make
An endless stream of children’s toys
For Saint Nick once a year to take
To all the good girls and good boys
By which of course he meant the tots
Who believed in the Christian God
But in Nick’s long-held, searching thoughts
That too began to seem quite odd
Nick asked the Lord to come again
And explain just what made kids bad
He prayed on this and said amen
But no response from Jesus’ dad
So Nick, not one to wait around
Expanded his empire of gift
To all the young who could be found
But should have acted with more thrift
For soon his funds ran low and lean
His profit could not keep the pace
Saint Nick grew stressed out, anxious, mean
The Elves were scared to see his face
He almost quit but then the Lord spoke straight into his soul
And said “Did I forget to tell you about the North Pole?”
*
It made no sense, this far locale
Of ice and snow that God had chose
The Elfin Guild lacked much morale
And complained their bones would be froze
They stomped and flat refused to move
From Europe to the frozen North
Though Saint Nick gave them much reprove
And begged them all to travel forth
But God’s commandment was the law
And Nick would not deny it’s sway
He gathered up all his chutzpah
Then sought the pole without delay
God guided him where he should go
To find a workshop holy made
Hidden where the winds could not blow
And no mere human could invade
He found a labyrinth complex
Of workshops, tools, and raw supplies
For instance a whole large annex
That held only piles of doll’s eyes
But in the maker’s paradise
Saint Nick found himself all alone
No worker fit for each device
To make sure that the dolls got sewn
So Nick fell then unto his knees
And begged his God for sets of hands
Equipped with machine expertise
To make toys out of all his plans
And when he heard a noise and turned
Back to the North Pole’s entrance door
He saw the guild of Elves who’d spurned
His request had returned once more
They’d found their way cross snow and ice
To Saint Nick’s side once more they leapt
And as each picked up a device
The red-clad saint thanked them and wept
“The world has no shortage of good little girls and boys
He said “They are deserving and so let us make some toys!”
*
For fifteen hundred years Saint Nick
Worked year-round with his Elven crew
And found they did not age so quick
As normal humans seem to do
They all got old but did not die
Nor tire nor eat nor lose their will
Their hair grew white, spirits still high
Despite the constant North Pole chill
They made their toys and sent them out
To Europe and nations nearby
But Saint Nick still thought much about
Not just the ‘how’ but also ‘why’
He prayed to his God every night
To tell him what made children bad
When they did not know wrong from right
With no control when they were mad
Was it some matter of belief?
Some faith or creed or color of eye?
Must they be psychopath or thief
To make their present chances die?
But God refused to answer him
Or did not hear which was the same
Or else ignored him on a whim
No matter how Nick screamed his name
The saint kept on his yearly work
And Santa’s reputation grew
But one day doubt began to lurk
Saint Nick wondered if he was through
The elves maintained the factory
Saint Nick did his designs and such
Made baubles so refractory
But he did not enjoy it much
Then came the Industrial Age
The world became a smaller place
Saint Nick began to disengage
There was a truth he had to face
The world was full of worthy children he had never met
And he did not have toys enough for all of them to get!
*
The Man above would not respond
Saint Nick grew lazy and depressed
The elves too began to despond
The toy-making came to a rest
That year no toys went out and on
Christmas when the children awoke
They thought there’d been some sort of con
Accused their parents of a joke
But no toys came that year or next
As Santa got into his cups
The children thus were proper vexed
They missed their bicycles and pups
Their parents hemmed and hawed and blamed
The man in red for the short shrift
The kids against him were inflamed
And felt that they were owed a gift
That third year many parents went
And did what Old Saint Nick would not
To ensure a happy advent
They for their children, presents bought
Through century number twenty
Santa lay dormant in his shop
The world made its own plenty
Capitalism’s bumper crop
And parents taught their young ones that
Santa was but a winter myth
A jolly old man, fake and fat
Not someone to be reckoned with
But some Elves had not quit their post
They held faith Old Saint Nick would rise
They brought him sweets and beans on toast
And flew his sleigh through night-time skies
When centuries turned twenty-one
Santa Claus came around anew
And said “My self-pity is done
It’s time my reindeer once more flew!”
“Who cares that dumb old Jesus’ Dad will not respond?” He cried
“We’ll make him notice with the all-time greatest Christmas ride!”
*
A new Elfin recruitment drive
A factory ten times as large
The North Pole came once more alive
Old Saint Nick was again in charge
But now he used the modern tools
That had not existed before
He launched satellites over schools
Sent out an Elfin spying corps
He got a supercomputer
And fed to it his spies’ report
Then bid it stand prosecutor
In ‘good’ and ‘bad’ the kids to sort
To make sure every kid on earth
Got counted and had a fair shake
T’was no device he would not birth
No sacrifice he would not make
Another thing he did not like
Was he could not personally
Deliver each gift for each tyke
To find beneath the Christmas tree
For though God had gifted Saint Nick
With lots for the job he must do
And even made him rather quick
He still was just one, not a crew
Six continents inhabited
A billion good kids, just one night
Even if he jackrabbited
Not every kid would have the sight
Of Santa over the rooftops
For he would have to be elsewhere
There simply weren’t enough stops
He could not choose! It wasn’t fair!
And so he made the SantaBots
Ten thousand copies of himself
To take the presents to the tots
And thought he was a clever elf
But when Christmas came and the world saw what Saint Nick had wrought
Their reaction was not at all what the old elf had thought!
*
The Nine One One calls came in fast
The gunshots loud rang out
“It’s aliens!” said a news blast
“A new world war!” then came the shout
The politicians blamed and lied
While Twitter called for someone’s blood
And everywhere the children cried
Saint Nick’s return had been a dud
Up in the North Pole Santa saw
On live stream there beside his crew
They were aghast, their feelings raw
God’s voice said “I must talk to you”
“Oh God,” said God, “Oh dear, my God
Just what in My name have you done?
I put you up here ‘cause you’re odd!
I thought you’d play and have some fun!
“Who told you to build clones, you fool?
This factory’s ten times the size
As when I left, you Elfin Ghoul
So how did all of this arise?”
“Where have you been? Saint Nick shouted
I had questions, you were not here!
This factory only sprouted
To make what’s needed every year!”
“I’m God,” said God, “Don’t yell at me
I wasn’t gone for all that long
It’s been what, like a century?”
“Try twenty!” Santa’s voice was strong
“Okay,” said God, “I can see now
That you have struggled without me
To tell you of the ‘why’ and ‘how’—"
“Oh no,” said Saint Nick cheekily
“I now know just what I must do,
This world has no good boys or girls
And so I bid this earth ‘adieu’
And seek good kids on other worlds.”
“Earth children all hate Santa now, don’t want me in their home
The only good kids are ones without the human genome!”
*
The Lord wanted to talk him down but knew he’d not be turned
Omniscience was a perk, but free will could not be unlearned
And so when Christmas Day came round another annum hence
The Kids, the Elves, and even God waited with some suspense
Santa mounted a new sleigh at the pole in a hanger
And promised “I’ll be damned if this Christmas ain’t a banger”
His reindeer were nuclear and flew with ferocity
Achieving speed to equal an escape velocity
He waved goodbye and said so long to all his precious elves
And they looked up in wonder as they said so long themselves
As one the children of the world looked up into the night
And of a red-clad shooting star they all did catch a sight
The Lord himself chuckled “You’ve got this Santa thing mastered
“So long and good luck to you, you crazy Elfin bastard!”
So then there was no more Saint Nick upon this spinning ball
And yet it felt a very Merry Christmas, one and all
And though Saint Nick is gone, his legend always will live here
Though not seen, his name is sure to be spoken every year
For when the calendar once more to time of Christmas runs
You see his sleigh between the stars, with gifts for other suns
THE END
Thanks so much for reading! If you enjoyed, please like, comment, and share. :)
I loved it as well Owen!
What an epic verse - I loved it!