Story #25 - The Annoyer

A (hopefully) humorous story to brighten your Sunday.

If even the median predictions of AI-researchers are to be believed, we’re headed for a world in which the vast majority of current jobs will become software, and we will not have to do them anymore. If we can also solve the emissions/carbon problems, we’re headed for a future with incredible amounts of free time and high quality of life.

My latest obsession is: What will we all do in that world? What will be the great human problems in a post-scarcity world? So many of the answers seem so silly to me. Here’s an example of what I mean.

The Annoyer

“Too much pleasure got you feeling blue? Too much sim time making the real world seem listless and empty? Are you tired of your bubble? Tired of the grind of keeping up with the latest shows so you don’t feel left out online? We are the luckiest people who have ever lived, living the most perfect lives imaginable, and that’s hard! Perfection can be a burden! Luckily, now there’s a solution—Good old-fashioned, imperfect Annoyance, provided by a real, living, breathing human. Science has discovered that some people actually *need* to be annoying, so it’s no burden for them to come and Annoy you, and just think about how happy you’ll be once they’re gone! That next perfect meal in exquisite silence will be so much sweeter after a lunch where your own personal Annoyer has told inane stories while obliviously spitting into your food from across the table. Think of the relief when you next eat and no one is arguing with the wait staff about whether the wine has earthy notes or not. You’ll wonder how you ever enjoyed anything without being Annoyed. Message us today!”

***

Gabe got into Annoying almost by accident. He’d been told he was naturally annoying from a young age, but he never thought of it as any special talent. At times it almost seemed the opposite, and he cursed his grainy voice that broke so often, longing for dulcet tones that people would gather round to hear. It was so silly to think about now!

He’d been thirty years old when GPT-Nine went online. At that point he’d been a programmer, but in the post-AI world there was really no need for programmers anymore, so like most of the rest of humanity, he’d been out of a job. Not unhappily so, however, for Gabe had never really liked programming.

At that point, Gabe had had exactly one girlfriend, Veera, who was also quite annoying. She was an executive at a sim company, one of those people who was constantly eating but never seemed to gain weight. They had met at a retro video arcade, and had immediately disliked each other yet also sensed in each other some kindred spirit. It was a frustrating six months that culminated in the mutual loss of their virginity and an almost-immediate breakup. That Veera was also now a professional Annoyer was no surprise to Gabe.

But so his career was gone, disappeared into a black hole of computing power laced round the earth, and he was thirty years old and receiving basic income that suddenly (as the AIs ramped up production of absolutely everything and invented simulations for anything they could not produce) was enough to buy all the consumption he could ever want. And like most people he went crazy in the sims for a few years but eventually he bored of it.

That’s when he went looking for something that meant something. And for Gabe, that something more was being Annoying.

***

“Welcome back to Nails on Chalkboard, the insider’s podcast for professional Annoyers everywhere. I’m your host, Chad Daniel Michael Zdzjznskzi. Today our guest is Dr. Rebecca Singh, a popular medical-communication A.I. who joins us from her home in Hyderabad. Rebecca, Welcome.”

“Thank you Chad, it’s good to be with you today.”

“Actually, it’s Mr. Zdzjznskzi, if you please.”

“I apologize. It’s good to be with you, Mr. Zdzjznskzi.”

“That’s not how you pronounce, it, but it’s fine.”

“How do—“

“You know what? Chad is fine. It’s fine. I’m moving on. So, we know that Annoying is still a human job. It’s just not the same when an A.I. does it. We might expect a placebo effect if the subject knew it was talking to an A.I., but your research now shows definitively that the effects of being Annoyed are lessened when the Annoyer is an A.I. rather than a human, even when the Annoyee does not know the personhood status of their Annoyer! Do I have that right?

“Well said, Chad, and it’s not just that. Even when the Annoyee thinks that their Annoyer is a human, if it’s actually an A.I., the Annoyance isn’t as effective! The evidence is—“

“Actually, I changed my mind, I don’t want you to call me Chad, I’m going to need you to say Mr. Zdziznskzi.”

“Oh go screw yourself, Chad.”

***

Gabe was walking in the park on the morning of his thirty-fourth birthday when he struck up a conversation with a man who was out walking a pair of purebred daschunds by asking what breeder he’d bought them from in a tone of voice that indicated neither the interest of a fellow enthusiast nor the disapproval of an animal rights fanatic, thus giving the poor man no obvious clue as to how to respond and extricate himself from the situation, which the daschund-owner found very annoying indeed.

Now at this moment in Gabe’s life, he was at the tail end of several years of heavy daily sim time, during which he experienced every imaginable fantasy, sexual and otherwise, in so many combinations he could no longer recall specific favorites amidst the throbbing, insistent stream into his innermost cortexes. He was, in other words, lonely. And suffering very much from the serotonin drops and resulting melancholy that so many had reported during their withdrawal from heavy sim use.

And so when the dog walker explained that he was a recruiter for a new service that was looking for ways to help people avoid dopamine burnout, Gabe was quite open to the idea of a radical life change, to the extent that he wasn’t insulted by the fact that the dog-walker was basically telling him he was so obviously annoying that it was a marketable skill.

A week later he found himself in an orientation, three weeks of escalation training, and then in his first client session—a forty-four year old woman who desperately wanted to enjoy her upcoming birthday party with friends, but was worried that nothing in meat space could live up to the virtual Kpop concerts she attended in the metaverse.

This was all still a bit of a lark to Gabe, and so he wasn’t trying particularly to be annoying. In fact, part of him was actively trying not to be annoying, hoping that he’d find out that the Daschund-owner had been wrong and that he was in fact terribly unsuited for this work. And that seemed to go fine, in that they had a perfectly pleasant evening together discussing this woman’s friends and her interest in Kpop.

Gabe had a few more sessions with other people in need of Annoyance, and they were all similar, nothing Annoying about him, just pleasant conversations. It was easy enough, but he didn’t need money, and he didn’t feel like he was helping anyone. But then the first woman posted a review on the booking app.

***

“Gabe was just the *best*, oh GOD he was so Annoying. I mean, really, A+, it oozed out of every pore, like I thought *I* was a drag until I met this poor bastard. I was able to attend my birthday party this week and all my friends seemed so interesting and engaging by comparison. Absolutely could not have enjoyed myself the same way if I hadn’t met this bummer on two legs. It even made the Kpop show I went to yesterday seem better because I knew if he’d been there, the music would have drowned out the unbearable screech of his voice. A++ Thank you so much, Gabe, everything I was hoping and more, cannot recommend highly enough!”

***

Gabe, once he’d picked his dignity up off the floor and dusted it off, was ashamed and not a little disgusted to realize he was going to keep Annoying people. Sure, the entire experience was humiliating, the reviews gratuitously insulting, and beyond that he literally didn’t know how he was doing it, but he felt like he mattered! That woman got to enjoy something she’d otherwise have hated because of him!

The good reviews kept piling up. He was the highest rated Annoyer on the entire app within a few months. He was hired to Annoy a state senator, then the Governor. When rock stars came through town he was the Annoyer of choice to help them unwind after the high of a show. Since he didn’t need the money, he didn’t do a ton of Annoying, but that only made him more in-demand. Powerful people began to offer him favors and non-monetary compensation to Annoy them. He sat courtside at a basketball game with a famous rapper and then asked his entourage questions later that night at the club to help them maintain their buzz.

Veera was also a highly-rated Annoyer on the same app, and the two of them became confidantes of a sort. There weren’t that many people who understood the pressures of Annoying at the level they were at, so it was nice to have someone to talk to about it. Most people just didn’t “get” Annoying in a deep way. Veera was still annoying, and she said he was too, but neither could make the other understand the why of it, and after a while they stopped trying because it just made them feel more lonely.

Gabe wondered what would happen if he stopped Annoying people. He knew he wouldn’t stop being annoying, since he’d been that way long before it became a job description. He just wouldn’t get attention and validation for it anymore. That seemed like a good thing, but he just couldn’t bring himself to actually stop.

***

“Is this Gabe, the highest rated Annoyer in the world?”

“Yes, it is.”

“My name is Agent Schroeder, I’m with the United States Secret Service. Are you familiar with our organization?”

“I’ve seen movies, yes. ‘The Eagle has landed!’”

“What?”

“I said ‘The Eagle Has Landed’.”

“Is that a line from something?”

“No. I mean, I thought it was for a minute, but I don’t think it’s actually about the Secret Service. Or maybe it is and I just don’t remember which movie it’s from. Or maybe—“

“God, you’re great at this.”

“Great at what? Oh. Right.”

“Pack a bag, young man. You’ve got a flight to Washington in the morning.”

“Washington State, or D.C.?”

“Do you really think the Secret Service is calling you to tell you you’re going to Washington State?”

“Well—“

“Congratulations, Gabe, you’re going to Annoy the President of the United States.”

***

So Gabe went to Washington D.C. and met the President of the United States, who himself had been so coddled by secret service and A.I.s that now directed them that he had become unable to enjoy his Presidency, which had started messing with his focus work ethic. But of course, it was politically dangerous for him to admit being in need of Annoyance, so Gabe was made to sign a wide variety of nondisclosure documents before he was allowed to even meet the President, lest he start Annoying him by accident.

And because of all the build-up and just the whole situation, Gabe was suddenly overcome by the desire to do well. He felt impelled to Annoy the President. It was no longer a lark. He wasn’t getting paid, but it felt like there were stakes, and Gabe resolved to do a truly excellent job of Annoying the President.

At which point, of course, Gabe lost his natural talent for Annoyance. He sat in the Oval Office and tried to think of something really annoying to say, but as he did so, nothing really seemed annoying enough to be worthy of Annoying a President, so he just sat there in silence. Which, of course, isn’t annoying at all.

That, at the core, is the problem the AIs had in Annoying people effectively enough to manage their neurotransmitters. Trying to be annoying isn’t really annoying. It’s either pathetic, funny, or enraging. The most human of things are all done by accident.

Gabe felt really bad about not being annoying enough to the President, and he started to say so, and then he got excited because he knew that apologizing for something out of nowhere when the person didn’t even express annoyance or aggravation was, itself, very annoying. But in his excitement he momentarily forgot what he was going to say, and as he tried to find it again, the President shifted in his chair and gave his secret service guy a look that said “Is this guy kidding?”

But so before Gabe had really even had a chance to get started, he was being hustled off, not scolded or even really acknowledged, just put back on a plane out of town without much of a word from anyone. They’d found his behavior annoying, but somehow not the right kind of annoying to be helpful.

***

“I’m a fraud. I feel like a fraud anyway. Do you think I’m a fraud?”

“We just met.”

“Yes, but am I annoying you?”

“No.”

“See, you think I’m a fraud.”

“Why do you feel it’s fraudulent of you not to annoy me?”

“I don’t feel that, it’s literally my job to Annoy you, but I don’t think I can do it anymore.”

“Why do you feel you can’t do it anymore?”

“I’m not annoying. I mean, right? Do you find me annoying?”

“I’m an Therapy A.I. and my annoyance threshold is set quite high, but if it makes you feel better, it is my clinical opinion that an average human would find your current behavior annoying.”

“Really? That’s good to hear! But are you sure?”

“I literally am not capable of asserting things about which I am uncertain.”

“Right. So you’re really sure I’m annoying then? You mean it?”

“Again, I literally cannot not mean it when I speak.”

***

Gabe came back and kept annoying people, but it wasn’t the same as before. He lacked the ease and confidence of inexperience. He knew now that it could go wrong, and that trying was likely to make it go wrong, but trying not to try was like trying not to think of pink elephants after someone says the words ‘pink elephants’. So he was worse. Not terrible. He still Annoyed people successfully, but there were others who were younger and better at it now.

Veera had also peaked as an Annoyer, and was experiencing a similar crisis of faith in her own Annoying abilities. They started meeting weekly to commiserate and support each other. He dreaded it every week, because she could really get under his skin when she wasn’t trying to, but it helped, and in time he came to count on those visits, and he could tell she did too.

Once a week became twice, then more. They went away together. She still annoyed him in the same ways she had before, but now it felt different. He understood so much more about the place of annoyance in his life after being a professional, and so he came to appreciate the way she grounded him, reminded him that he was contingent and limited and powerless in the most ultimate and profound sense.

They went into sim together, and neither one of them got to completely control what the sim was like, and so it wasn’t quite so perfect for either one of them, allowing them to keep a little dopamine in their heads, and between that and the annoyance they offered each other freely, they functioned as happy adults, at least for a time in the world, which is all anyone ever does.

Gabe still went out from time to time and Annoyed, just for something to do, but now that he had a real relationship, he got worse and worse at it, because living in such proximity to Veera finally taught him all the things that had actually been annoying about him the whole time, and so when he was with someone else and about to do those things, he noticed and stopped himself.

***

“So now I’m back to trying to Annoy, but it doesn’t really work no matter what I do. It’s no better than the AI. So many things only work when they’re unconscious, like you just can’t fake them being natural.”

“Oh my God, Gabe, I’ve had the same thing going on! I can hardly do it now because I know what’s annoying about me because of you, I swear!”

“Our poor fans, stuck with their sims and their deficient dopamine.”

“Yeah, like we were saving the world!”

“We were heroes, now we’re legends, never to be forgotten!”

“Men are so grandiose.”

“The grandchildren of my grandchildren will speak my name as the greatest Annoyer who ever walked the earth!”

“God, you’re so annoying.”

“Thanks, I know.”

END

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