OGWiseman Reincarnates!
A field guide to Lord of the Rings characters reincarnated in modern celebrities
I’m traveling this week, to Colorado to see a friend graduate from vet school, then to LA, to work and officiate my cousin’s wedding. I had some fun with this on the plane ride. It’s a bit of a stretch conceptually, but just don’t think about it too hard. Have a great week, and I’ll be back next week with the eleventh (double digits in earnest, gulp!) story in this ongoing project!
Two quick notes: 1) I’ve tried to keep this pretty much non-political, seems like we’ve all had enough of that for a while. 2) Most of these people are super famous, but a few you may have to google.
So…
Lord of the Rings.
It’s not real, right?
Those characters never lived.
But what this bit of silliness PRESUPPOSES is…
What if they were reincarnated anyway?
Just as the death of a Dalai Llama will trigger the international search for (and inevitable controversy over) his successor, I have scoured the internets and chosen my candidates for the reincarnated souls of these fictional beings who saved (or threatened, I’ve also done the baddies) Middle Earth.
And of course, I’ve explained my (undoubtedly ironclad) reasons for each choice.
Observe!
1) GANDALF THE GREY——>LEBRON JAMES
Incredible Hair/Beard combos that wouldn’t work for anyone else.
In charge of teams of hapless fools who screw everything up, yet somehow Gandalf/Bron always save the day.
Defy the odds to get better and more powerful with age and after devastating defeats.
Primary difference between them: It’s hard to imagine Lebron on a horse or smoking a pipe.
2) Frodo Baggins——>Greta Thunberg
First off, literally just the intensity of the glare.
Least likely candidates to take on super important, world-saving missions.
Both take super long journeys by slower means when it seems like they could have just flown where they were going and saved a lot of trouble. (That one’s a deep cut on both LotR and Greta, and if you get both halves of the joke, kudos.)
Primary difference: Greta could almost certainly kick Frodo’s ass.
3) GIMLI——>JOE ROGAN
Bowling-Ball-Shaped.
Nose, eyes, rest of face.
Inexplicably charismatic and suspiciously rich.
Angrily insistent about a lot of things that make no sense.
Primary difference: Where did all the hair go?
4) LEGOLAS——>SIMONE BILES
Can perform athletic feats that seem completely impossible.
Catty moments with very short and strong best friends/teammates.
Great hair and cool battle uniforms.
Primary difference: Legolas will live a long time, Simone will live forever.
5) SAMWISE GAMGEE——>BERNIE SANDERS
Strange walking style, either hunched or shorter than they seem like they are.
Hairy toes (I’m assuming on Bernie, but come on).
Impossibly pure of heart and dedicated to seemingly impossible causes.
Primary difference: Against all odds, Bernie’s accent is even sillier.
6) BOROMIR——>ELON MUSK
Seem very sure they’re destined for great things, yet still desperate for approval from the cool kids.
Speak in monotones with strange cadence.
Total bummers in spite of solid resumes.
Huge presences in internet meme culture.
Primary difference: Elon doesn’t want the ring and is already claiming he’s got a design for a better ring that’s going to make the One Ring obsolete.
7) ELROND——>KRIS JENNER
Lots of ideas about what OTHER people should do, not so much with the self-starting on tasks.
Lives in a huge mansion with extended family and priceless heirlooms.
Acute case of RBF (Resting Bitch Face).
Primary difference: Elrond has longer hair and would be famous even without his children.
8) ARWEN——>DJ KHALED
Not clear why they’re in the story, just kind of showed up when the cameras did.
Improbably curvaceous bodies.
Unknown but impressive lifespans considering how fragile they seem.
Primary difference: Did you look at the pictures?
9) SAURON——>OPRAH WINFREY
Main symbol looks like a large ‘O’.
Broadcasts on dedicated channel 24/7.
Dedicated army of rabid fans ready to do bidding.
Primary difference: Oprah is more powerful, corporeal.
10) BALROG——>KANYE WEST
Expressionless yet menacing, aggressive when disturbed.
Spend most of time in dark caverns doing God-knows-what.
Entrance preceded by heavy bass drums.
Primary Difference: Kanye has never been defeated.
END
Thanks for playing along! Hope you got a laugh out of it, I had a good time doing it. Have a great week, share this post widely, and I’ll catch you next week for another story!
very funny!!