Hello subscribers of OGWiseman’s Stories!
As I now have a newborn son, I’ve decided that one substack is not enough to satisfy my desire to communicate with the public, and I need a second one to fulfill the full range of my expression.
I’ve just sent you a post called “No Miracle Without Suffering” that, along with this missive, represents what I want that other publication to be: A combination of light-hearted comedy and serious moral instruction. If that’s up your alley, you can subscribe to THE JACK FILES here:
thejackfiles.substack.com
(Note: The first email that went out was supposed to be the actual first post on the new newsletter later on, but because of a snafu with the substack interface—along with my baby brain—it got sent out under the OGWiseman’s Stories heading tonight instead of being scheduled for delivery later on the Jack Files heading. That’s also why it has no preamble or explanation attached. Oops!)
So that other post is the serious aspect. Here’s the light-hearted one. Hope you enjoy and consider subscribing and/or sharing that newsletter with anyone you think might enjoy my writing about the parenting experience.
JACK REVIEWS THE CLASSICS
Movie Reviews from the perspective of my infant son:
Hey there! Jack here. It’s been a busy first week of life, but I managed to find time to watch most of the classic movies ever made, and my old man asked me if I’d wake up long enough to share my very important thoughts on a few of Hollywood’s greats. But I get paid to crap on movies, not write intros, so here we go with my top ten.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS - I identify deeply with Anthony Hopkins in this film. His journey is all of our journey, from the eating parts of other people for sustenance to time spent swaddled in a straight jacket to (I hope, I pray) an eventual escape to parts unknown, returning only to taunt those I’ve left behind, now powerless to prevent my further crimes—no you know what? My further *adventures*.
NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS - This movie is everything. Inject it into my tiny baby veins and let Jack Skellington ride his sleigh into my heart. I play a drinking game where where I watch this movie, and I’m literally drinking milk the whole time no matter what. It’s honestly one of my favorite games besides pee and poop.
APOCALYPSE NOW - This film is uneven, but it contains one of the most exciting sequences ever shot—an absolute celluloid masterclass on how to keep attention riveted on a sequence with screenwriting, editing, and soundtrack all working together. Of course I’m taking about fat Marlon Brando’s succulent breasts in the final sequence, when Captain Willard finds Kurtz far upriver, apparently having just consumed enough chili dogs to supply Yankee Stadium. I wanna nurse on Kurtz!
HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK - This movie really shows you how things used to be in the good old days. They let this stupid asshole Kevin Macallister onto a plane to Paris with no boarding pass after he “recognizes his mom”. These days I can’t catch a commuter flight to Newark without a full diaper search for contraband. They call this a free country?!
FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH - This Jason guy isn’t scary at all—he walks everywhere, and he doesn’t even walk very fast! I could outcrawl this guy right now if somebody undid the Velcro on my sleep-sack. This flick is bloodier than a delivery room hospital bed and I like that, but the premise is thin and they really said all there was to say—no way could they ever make more of these.
THREE MEN AND A BABY - I can’t focus on this movie with Tom Selleck’s Nose Hose pulling focus all the time. I just learned about the concept of facial hair eight seconds ago and even I know he had to be kidding with that mustache. They should have added more boobs to balance things out. That’s true of most of these, actually.
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY - I found this movie perplexing. A monkey goes into deep space and kills a computer, just to turn into an uglier version of me?
BABY’S DAY OUT- What balding, nebbish half-a-man screenwriter wrote this stupid kid? This chump. This putz. If these kidnappers were worth a dirty diaper that kid woulda been dead. I’d have knifed the first one when he fell asleep reading to me, then set a trap for the others. This schmuck follows a bird out a window and gets lost in Chicago? Amateur!
THE SHAWSHANK REDEPMTION - I’m working on a think piece essay for Cinema Verite about how this movie is an extended allegory for pregnancy and birth. It’s the story of an innocent, wrongfully accused of a crime he didn’t commit, who spends an extended unjust jail sentence in solitary confinement, then masterminds a daring escape through a long, dark tunnel choked with bodily fluids. Would be a classic except this guy’s idea of reaching paradise is building a boat on the beach, and I don’t need that kinda sand in my diaper.
STRIPTEASE - Now this is a movie I can get behind. Or more accurately, get in front of and start rooting at around chest level seeing what’s on tap. Of all these classics, this is the only one that did not need more boobs.
There you have it—my top ten of week one! It may take me another week or two to completely absorb Hollywood’s back catalog, so I may be back with an updated list later on some time. Until then, stay Jaundice-free, and may all your bottles be full!
—Jackie Boy
END
Hope you enjoyed! Again please feel free to pass the word, I’ll be writing things like these two emails I just sent you over at thejackfiles.substack.com. As far as the OGWiseman’s Stories brand and release schedule, that will remain unchanged. I will be back next Sunday with another original sci fi story for your enjoyment. Have a great week!